Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
