Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
