so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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