hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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