i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
