and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
