i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
being pregnant is like rehab
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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