When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
