come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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