Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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