it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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