You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize