im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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