he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
