Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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