so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize