I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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