Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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