Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
