You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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