I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
