I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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