Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I will pee on everything he values.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
