someone owes me an orgasm
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
