I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
