I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
