guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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