It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize