she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
