my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
