I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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