I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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