I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
