you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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