When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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