Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
