I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I am midnight drunk by noon
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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