All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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