anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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