my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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