i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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