I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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