I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
