My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
