So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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