I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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