8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
