I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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