So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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