Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
