I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
