My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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