I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
