i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
